I have to speak on what I feel (or I hate Mondays)

Not that I feel compelled enough to speak on one particular topic, but the reality is that I can get so overwhelmed, that I sink rather than grab onto one thing and ride it out. I'm not able to focus in a healthy way, and then I get frustrated with myself, and then I'm annoyed at my frustration, until my angst just piles up into a huge self-hate/pity landfill where no one wants to visit, but I'm forced to clean up before I can even begin to move on.

I even thought about making a list of all the fucked up things about myself today. I thought, "While you're at work, doing nothing, or even for a break, make a list of all the things you dislike about yourself so much." Part of it, was so that I could begin to cross those things off.

• My bad credit is exacerbated by my denial of my bills. Perhaps I should open them up and pay them, rather than ignore them. (FYI, my cell phone is disconnected because I didn't pay it, and furthermore, I don't think I will pay it anytime soon.)
• My car has been unregistered going on 4 months, so it's been sitting in the parking garage, that I pay for, with the insurance that I pay for and the carnotes, of which I have 55 installments left to pay. However, it's not even being utilized. (Update: I took a two hour lunch today and went to register it at the DMV. I had to lie a little bit, and even get a supervisor involved because the incompetent worker was...incompetent. But I got my plates)
• I am fat. Perhaps I should go to the gym and work it out, or even cut down on my horrible diet of fried pork skins, Vitamin Water and tea as my daily meals. Sometimes I'll sprinkle in a bit of fried chicken, and my favorite, pizza. (Note: Today I ate: cream of wheat for breakfast, an orange for snack, a chicken cesar salad for lunch and cheese eggs for dinner. No pork rinds, although I walked very quickly passed the corner store and promised myself that a smaller figure was more satisfying that those light, airy, salty treats...)
• My room looks like an avalanche (clothes always escalading to the floor, until I pick them up and pile them on top of each other again) and I can't find a damn thing. Maybe I should spend less time fucking around on the computer and actually clean it.
• I haven't smoked in a long time (yes, I think this is one of the reasons I'm so fucked up). Maybe I can get a stash soon?
• I went and straigtened my hair with the hot comb and it looks like crap. (See my Afternoon Naps, which should be named, "My Journey into Loving My Hair, without the Hot Comb").
  
• I've yet to hear from Wits, and I'm getting anxious. Especially since the corny, do-gooders from Iowa, and Massachusetts have already started an "email" where we all should "introduce" ourselves and get to "know" each other. I'm working on my intro, but I shouldn't alienate them so soon, because I might need help finding a place to stay.
  
• I will NOT add to the list my nonexistent sex life, although I will applaud myself for my purchase of the Gigilo from Toys in Babeland and just continue to keep, keepin' on.
  

Of course, that list never got made because I was swamped at work today, and even forced myself to leave around 8pm because I figured that my productivity level had severely decreased.

Work isn't hard, on the contrary, it's stuff anyone can do. However it's repetitive, monotonous and increasingly depressing because it leaves no space for growth, and is an entirely thankless job. Every time I've had to temp in the corporate structure, I've felt lonely, unhappy, unappreciated and worthless. The only time I've ever held a steady job was in Admissions, and that was mainly because I knew I couldn't back out. I signed a year contract. I think, also, I enjoyed my friends and could talk on AIM/Yahoo Messenger at work, thus allowing me to escape the dreariness of day. Now, I'm at a place that makes no allowances for a personal release outside of frequent trips to the downstairs Coffee Shop, (oh, how I wished I smoked, so I'd have a reason to take a break). Another big perk of the job is walking up and down the hall, figuring out where random other assistants sit, so I can spread out my inquiries and not appear too much of a bother.

Basically, I know this isn't my profession, my career and that I'm not destined to be doing it forever. I can even find some happniess in the friends I've made and say that my team is really a lot of fun, cool people, and maybe, they can't help that their company sucks? Either way, the optimism doesn't get my through the long days.

This update is already taking way longer than it should.