My Soldiers

They tell me that as a Black woman
I must recreate, procreate, or regenerate
the next generation of Black soldiers
for the ongoing war.
I'd rather facilitate the re-education or
propogate the rejuvenation of the current
Black children.

They'll be no 24 hour labor process
for me, I won't be pushing an 8lb boy out of my birth canal
shocking him to take his first breath
of contaminated sterile air.
I'll be guiding a 200 lb. man towards the door
urging him to find his place in a world of hate and greed.
A new kind of home training like:

How to demand respect, it's taken not earned.
How to deal with anger, in God's name violence
is the answer.
Ways to cope with stress, don't heat up yourself,
rather plot against the Man.
Success isn't measured by ass-kissing and cock
sucking, it's gained through rape, war and fear.
Most importantly, Study your fair Nation.

In my house, we'll say grace before dinner
Blessing our food and cursing our enemies, like
W and Cheney and Condi (do).
Condi, there's an example of a Strong Black Woman
She isn't afraid to pull the trigger - I'll tell my girls -
You shouldn't be either.
We'll study our foremothers: Harriet, Sojouner, Ida,
Angela and Assata.
We'll praise our forefathers: Nat, Rev. Walker, Frederick Douglass,
Huey, Martin and Malcolm.
United We Bomb, Divided We Fall.

I, too, believe in economic preservation.
If you're not ready to have a baby, don't have one.
We have the soldiers now, let's work on a new system
with a new prison,
where the Black benefit from the white.
We'll have a prison industrial system where dashikis,
skullys and du-rags are mass produced by the Crackers.

They'll be no blaming the Man for our poverty,
inequities or discriminations, in my house.
My boys won't have that negative vocabulary.
Freedom is now, we'll chant in tandem.
I am Freedom, I am Victory, I am Black.

Longing for the truth

As we cooked the usual feast for Turkey-Day, and I began my annual passionate, heartfelt and long-winded rant on the fucked-up-ness of this "holiday", my mom causually looked at me and said, "Why are you so angry? You seem so unhappy, why is that?" I asked her why she was so complacent, and in a time where social security and public assistance programs are cut to provide more funding for a war that benefits the rich and luxurious, why weren't more poor and working class people raising their voices for thier own futures? Why, I asked, are we continuing to allow ourselves to be medicated, drugged, and hynotized, to both the financial and social benefit of the ruling class, in order to feel some sort of false happiness? Why don't we all get angry and fight for our, and our children's and our grandchildren's futures, by demanding our security, rather than blaming the useless politicians or Bush's dumb ass? Of course, she just sadly shook her head as she continued to stir the bowl of sweet potato pie mixture. Of course, I stomped off into my room to read a bit of Audre Lorde, and convince myself that I wasn't insane or even wrong in my anger towards injustice.

Now this morning, as I sit at my horrible job (yet another thing to be angry about, I sure know how to be unhappy), Sonja's blog brought me to this article which helps to validate my feelings of disgust, hopeless and grief towards the actions, thoughts and carelessness of this country. The text is profound, the comments disturbing. Commentors berate this author for attempting to "destroy" their holiday. Others urge the poster to "get over it." I embrace my anger towards injustice and I urge you all who feel rage in your hearts for those who cause harm in the name of their longevity, to join in my rage and continue to put voice to our unhappiness with what occurs So on the day after Thanksgiving as I sit in my deserted office, I want to print this out and put it on every co-worker's desk:

Simply put: Thanksgiving is the day when the dominant white culture (and,
sadly, most of the rest of the non-white but non-indigenous population)
celebrates the beginning of a genocide that was, in fact, blessed by the men we
hold up as our heroic founding fathers.

Some aspects of the conventional story are true enough. But it's also true
that by 1637 Massachusetts Gov. John Winthrop was proclaiming a thanksgiving for
the successful massacre of hundreds of Pequot Indian men, women and children,
part of the long and bloody process of opening up additional land to the English
invaders. The pattern would repeat itself across the continent until between 95
and 99 percent of American Indians had been exterminated and the rest were left
to assimilate into white society or die off on reservations, out of the view of
polite society.

This article reminds me that there is a choice we all have in how we choose to live our lives. Whether we choose to historicize, or contextualize the way we live today, by comparing it to where we come from. More importantly, as those who aren't the most powerful in this country, how do we support a heirarchy which continues to devalue us. How do we resist this inequalities of power, how to we challenge the current social structure and demand an honorable exisitence for everyone? I think articles like the above, which deconstruct popular myths and bring to the forefront the imperalist and colonialist actions of this nation, are ways we can resist the myopic representations of the United States's not so "united" history.

I have to speak on what I feel (or I hate Mondays)

Not that I feel compelled enough to speak on one particular topic, but the reality is that I can get so overwhelmed, that I sink rather than grab onto one thing and ride it out. I'm not able to focus in a healthy way, and then I get frustrated with myself, and then I'm annoyed at my frustration, until my angst just piles up into a huge self-hate/pity landfill where no one wants to visit, but I'm forced to clean up before I can even begin to move on.

I even thought about making a list of all the fucked up things about myself today. I thought, "While you're at work, doing nothing, or even for a break, make a list of all the things you dislike about yourself so much." Part of it, was so that I could begin to cross those things off.

• My bad credit is exacerbated by my denial of my bills. Perhaps I should open them up and pay them, rather than ignore them. (FYI, my cell phone is disconnected because I didn't pay it, and furthermore, I don't think I will pay it anytime soon.)
• My car has been unregistered going on 4 months, so it's been sitting in the parking garage, that I pay for, with the insurance that I pay for and the carnotes, of which I have 55 installments left to pay. However, it's not even being utilized. (Update: I took a two hour lunch today and went to register it at the DMV. I had to lie a little bit, and even get a supervisor involved because the incompetent worker was...incompetent. But I got my plates)
• I am fat. Perhaps I should go to the gym and work it out, or even cut down on my horrible diet of fried pork skins, Vitamin Water and tea as my daily meals. Sometimes I'll sprinkle in a bit of fried chicken, and my favorite, pizza. (Note: Today I ate: cream of wheat for breakfast, an orange for snack, a chicken cesar salad for lunch and cheese eggs for dinner. No pork rinds, although I walked very quickly passed the corner store and promised myself that a smaller figure was more satisfying that those light, airy, salty treats...)
• My room looks like an avalanche (clothes always escalading to the floor, until I pick them up and pile them on top of each other again) and I can't find a damn thing. Maybe I should spend less time fucking around on the computer and actually clean it.
• I haven't smoked in a long time (yes, I think this is one of the reasons I'm so fucked up). Maybe I can get a stash soon?
• I went and straigtened my hair with the hot comb and it looks like crap. (See my Afternoon Naps, which should be named, "My Journey into Loving My Hair, without the Hot Comb").
  
• I've yet to hear from Wits, and I'm getting anxious. Especially since the corny, do-gooders from Iowa, and Massachusetts have already started an "email" where we all should "introduce" ourselves and get to "know" each other. I'm working on my intro, but I shouldn't alienate them so soon, because I might need help finding a place to stay.
  
• I will NOT add to the list my nonexistent sex life, although I will applaud myself for my purchase of the Gigilo from Toys in Babeland and just continue to keep, keepin' on.
  

Of course, that list never got made because I was swamped at work today, and even forced myself to leave around 8pm because I figured that my productivity level had severely decreased.

Work isn't hard, on the contrary, it's stuff anyone can do. However it's repetitive, monotonous and increasingly depressing because it leaves no space for growth, and is an entirely thankless job. Every time I've had to temp in the corporate structure, I've felt lonely, unhappy, unappreciated and worthless. The only time I've ever held a steady job was in Admissions, and that was mainly because I knew I couldn't back out. I signed a year contract. I think, also, I enjoyed my friends and could talk on AIM/Yahoo Messenger at work, thus allowing me to escape the dreariness of day. Now, I'm at a place that makes no allowances for a personal release outside of frequent trips to the downstairs Coffee Shop, (oh, how I wished I smoked, so I'd have a reason to take a break). Another big perk of the job is walking up and down the hall, figuring out where random other assistants sit, so I can spread out my inquiries and not appear too much of a bother.

Basically, I know this isn't my profession, my career and that I'm not destined to be doing it forever. I can even find some happniess in the friends I've made and say that my team is really a lot of fun, cool people, and maybe, they can't help that their company sucks? Either way, the optimism doesn't get my through the long days.

This update is already taking way longer than it should.

Story Time - Why did I go natural?

I’ve been wearing my hair, chemical free, for about 4 years now. I began the natural process the summer before my junior year of college, mostly because I just couldn’t afford the price of a professional relaxer in California. At about $60 for a relaxer*, and $40 for a wash and set, this college girl did not have the funds to upkeep her cost friendly New York beauty regime.** Going natural seemed a good option, because I figured I could learn to maintain my own hair styles as well as give my hair some time to regenerate itself. After about 8 years of a relaxer, I knew that my hair was beginning to think out and break off. Going natural would allow me to grow my hair stronger, and save a few books.

I chose to go the route of “cut and grow”. While some choose to gradually cut their hair, I braided mine and then went for a big chop 2 months later, then went back to braids until I learned how to style it, independently without extensions. However, I began to realize that my going natural was more a of big deal to friends and family than it was to myself. I wanted to save some bucks, my mom joked that I was going through a midlife crisis, and friends complained that I was messing up my “good” hair.*** But I carried on.

My decision was one I always stood by, because the resistance to my change was fascinating. I have no plans to EVER go back, as I remember the times of burnt scalp, stinky lye products and worst of all, the tacky appearance of a worn out relaxer. To me, the aesthetic of healthy natural hair beats out a straight, thin relaxed look any day. And I hope to show you the different phases my process with personal photos soon. However I do at times straighten my hair with a hot comb, and my next goal is to become “straightened-free”. I hope to stop straightening my hair in it’s entirety and only weird my hair tightly coiled. Perhaps we can address the aesthetic issues of straight versus curly when we talk about styles.

*I’ve switch up relaxer or perm(permanent), because they’re the most common phrases. But they mean the same thing, any chemical process used to straighten the naturally tightly coiled strands of our hair. A texturizer that “soften” or is a “baby relaxer” is also a chemical, and is not a natural style.

**In NYC, you can get a wash and set for about $20, a relaxer for $40. I went to the hairdresser every two weeks growing up, my aunt found a place that does wash and sets for $7, she goes every week.

***Of course, none offered to pay the high cost of maintaining a healthy relaxer, so I ignored them all. I have tough skin and usually don’t care much what people say once I’ve made up my mind.

Hi there

Sorry I've been MIA.

Visit here to see what I've been up to. I have something else in the works for this blog. Stay tuned!