PSA

Tonight I walked out on a group of people and decided to spend some time by myself. I need to find my own community and if it means that I have to let go of some people, I have to do that. I hate being the token Black friend and I won't be the "Black" experience for anyone solely because I hang out in their room and bring some color. I'm really sick and tired of trying to "bridge" my worlds. So I left L, K and M to have a nice white party in M's room and I came back to my space of comfort.

I don't think that I have to be the one to always extend the olive branch, and I definitely don't have to be in South Africa and feel like I'm the "rebellious" one because I want to hang out in South African spots with Black South Africans. Fuck that shit. And I'm not going to feel bad for wanting to find my comfort zone, which just might not include white people. Does that mean I'm supporting separatism? Probably. Shit, white people have written the manual on separatism -- see any history of European nations where they've secluded, ostracized and locked down people of color, all while leaving their own white lands to form more white supremacists empires wherever they can.

In my short life, there are few white people I've found who are willing to hang out with almost all Black people. I've lived on the East and West Coasts of the U.S., in Israel and the D.R., visited Cuba, Haiti, Belgium and Spain. Not many places, I know, but a good amount for a 23year old seeing as how I have family members who've never even left NYC (shit, they rarely leave the Bronx and I see now, why). I come to South Africa and still white people are the same, they still self-segregate and are so xenophobic that they continue to alienate Black people and the Black experience -- EVEN THOUGH THEY CHOOSE TO LIVE IN A BLACK NATION! I think choose is the most important factor in their experiences. These white people choose their surroundings; it's not something that many people of color can say about their histories. My response to xenophobic, backpacking, do-gooder white people who like to live in "dangerous" places and trash those places, all the while expecting a cookie for being "down": NOBODY ASKED YOUR ASS TO COME HERE. In fact:

Where's the "Go back to Europe" movement? I'm gonna gather all the people of color, living in white colonial and post-colonial (ha!) nations and we're gonna start the GET THE FUCK OUT AND GO BACK TO EUROPE movement. Cuz even in AFRICA, white people still congregate, self-segregate and label majority Black places as inherently dangerous, walking around in blissful denial. No, no, not blissful denial, walking around in a fear they use to lubricate themselves and masturbate with. Worried that their gonna be raped, killed and targeted cuz their white. Oh yeah these white people know about that reality, cuz it's the same one they're grandfathers and fathers have inflicted on so many people of color. White people know the deal cuz they wrote the manual on how to make the "other" as demonic as possible, so they understand just how much hate can reside in a Black body and mind, they need only to refer to their own hate (advertised as "fear") towards people of color, and especially Black people.

I refuse to feel bad because I CHOOSE not to massage that hate in my white "friends". There are other sad, self-hating Black niggas out there who can do that for you -- this chick ain't the one. I CHOOSE to self-segregate and be around other positive, fun and cool Black people rather that spend time with anal, scared, self-righteous, sheltered white people. I did that Cumbaya shit (sometimes) in college and it was four years too many.

I think I need my own shirt: WARNING: I'M A SELF-LOVING BLACK PERSON. Don't be fooled by the light skin, wide smile and glasses. The nose, lips, forehead, breasts, and hips should give you a clue in case you're confused: I am as Black as it gets and I'll cut a bitch (either male or female), smoke up a blunt and curse the police, then go home and read an erotic ebook by Ann Vremont. I rock Nine West shoes and please recognize that my favorite designer is D&G. But since the white side isn't as accepting of versatile Black loving Black people, I find that I'm happier with Black people and that means my first reaction is gonna be a hostile Black one. Evil and dominance will only respond to likeness. Peace and love is not the answer when your adversary's tact is kill, shoot and "reconcile" afterwards. Fuck that shit. I'm shooting too, and we can sit down and "reconcile" when we see who's left.

Hence forth, I shall be known as Ms. X.

I don't have to like white people to bump their music, sport ther clothes, or bastardize their languages, while recognizing that they're inherently better at some things (like making Vegan food look good). And white backpackers don't have to like me either -- I'll be the Black girl who loves me some Norah Jones with my girl Sone while we drink wine and watch SATC. Just like how the whites have their own gangsta parties and practice dancing and talking like Black folk.

We all don't have to get along.