A new Santiago

I've found another heart mate at my job. A co-worker who is also a mentor, someone who keeps it real with me, who is patient with my questions and most important, someone who lets me in on all the gossip and goods of the office. She's my new Santiago. I like her a lot because she's also training me and I'm taking over for her position. She has a lot in common with Santi. She's smart, focused, and an extremely invaluable part of the team. She can speak her mind, and everyone knows it because she does her job well. She's moving up and taking on some more advanced roles, but she still finds the time to help me out when I need it and to be kind.

I guess it was solidified when we went out for drinks after work today. She's so cool and we just spent time talking about life and our goals. I'm starting to like this job because of her, and I really appreciate her. She's just down to earth and she reminds me a lot of Santi which is great because I've been missing him lots and definitely missing my staff at PoCo. I was comfortable there and I was able to do my thing. I miss it a lot and she's helping to deal with that melancholy.

On a SA tip, I got a letter saying that they are considering my application for the MA, but that housing isn't available because my app was sent it late. Of course, I'm working to get that dealt with. If I can't get university housing, I gotta try to find some contacts in SA. Sonj, maybe we can chat?

Oh boy

I am not a good temporary worker in corporate Amerika. At my new job, where I am working a temp to (maybe) perm position, I have all the current assistants sizing me up to see how good of a worker I'd be. As if it takes such work ethic to be an admin asst. However, for those who find this their career, I guess they look at young me and think, "Who does she think she is, waltzing in here all carefree."

A simple greeting of "Good morning" is not only standard in places I've previously worked, but appreciated. Especially when in 5 minutes, you know you'll be asking me to assist you in some manner. Ihave to keep asking myself, are we working together, or against each other? Is there an admin competition I wasn't aware I'd entered when I accepted this temp job? One where we watched each other like hawks for performance but acted like we didn't see the other person unless it was to our advantage?

The worst part about working as a temp, (besides holidays with no pay, crappy benefits) is folks expect you to automatically know how it works in that office. I have news, each office is different. Each office has its particulars and here's another newsflash: I need to be informed of YOUR office's ways of doing things. As bright as I am, my talents have not reached the paranormal level yet. Which, is probably a good thing because the first thing I'd do is join Anakin over on the dark side and learn how to fry those fuckers who consistently piss me off.

Recently, I've just been bugging the officials in SA to send me my acceptance letter to the uni so that I can book my plane ticket.

Rainy days

I often long for chilly, cloudy days that urge you to stay inside, in bed, asleep.
The gray clouds and bitter air justify my laziness.
More importantly, the dark skies mask my dreamlike state.
Fantasies abound as I force sleep to return. Like an addict snorting up the crumbs for that last hit, I suffocate my sight and cover up my sound --- pushing myself to prolong the high.
I'm victorious in my vivid, wakelike dreams of love and life.
There's no sun or warm air or blue skies released in the atmosphere.
My forced fantasies are turbulent, murky, a love that's demanding and violent.
When I wakefully dream, eyes wide shut, my hope is for an uncontrollable love.
I don't want to ease into it. I'm a big girl, you can hurt me.
My love matches my history of despair.
It's reminiscent of high soprano notes bombarding the climax of a song: painful in duration; powerful in persuasion.
Sunny days aren't helpful, they encourage a Sesame Street world.
Yellow birds chirping, happy children learning, steadfast friendships growing.
That love isn't for me.
I've moved on to Showtime, NC-17. I dream of erotic horror experiences where my love pounds into me,
or sometimes I impale myself onto its long, sharp, hard erection.
I enjoy it when its unwanted, that's when its also the strongest.

Sometimes I try to talk about my addiction.
Do you ever want to blur the lines between pleasure and pain?
What's your method?
What's your bittersweet, life buoy, keeping you afloat?
Is it money? My love can't be bought.
Is it sex? My love can't be seduced.
Is it drugs? My love isn't an opiate.
I want to be clear-minded. Don't numb my feelings, don't dull my brain.
Don't intensify my touch and jumble my sense.
Like the impact of a bullet. BAM. BAM. BAM.
Loud, direct, on the mark, sure, intentional.
It's addictive cuz it's easy.
Ever hurt yourself?
Bite your nail til it bleeds? Drink until you threw up? Smoked til you passed out? Ate til your stomach burst? Walked til your legs gave out? Read til your eyes dried up? Kissed til your tongue cramped? Talked til your voice was gone? Sleep til you never woke up?

I Wrote This on The Toilet

I was wondering about what tomorrow would bring
besides the job and the work and the hustle and the duty
of living, of supporting myself, of building my future
I was wondering whether tomorrow would bring something unexpected
like...remember when you never knew what assignment
you'd get at the beginning of the day
the Do Now was different, and you were excited about expressing yourself
I was wondering if I'd get that chance tomorrow
I was wondering if I'd get a chance tomorrow
to be more than what I was today

Come and talk to me

I have to warn you, I'm addicted to instant messenger. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not without my lappie or my AIM. I use Yahoo Messenger as well, but I find it cumbersome. With the ability to use DeadAIM and get all my conversations in one box, AIM is definitely my IM software of choice. However, in much the same way they are taking over the search world, Google is beginning to take over the IM world, with this cool new program titled Google Talk! (Yeah, they aren't very creative with names over there: gmail, googlemaps, etc., but whatever, they're Google).

I casually mentioned that Google Talk allows you to talk to anyone, anywhere with a gmail address, for free, to my friend, Brian. Well, being similiarly nerdy, he immediately downloaded Google Talk and we began the experiment. Weren't we surprised to find out that not only can you talk to anyone, anywhere who has gmail, but that the conversation is so clear, it sounds like the person is in the same room (Ok, I know, Google informed us this was the case, but talking is believing)? We proceeded to play with our new program for a good hour, "hanging up" and "calling" each other back. We discovered:

1. When receiving the call, the noise is like a soft, cheery bell.
   
2. When making calls, the noise is like a real telephone ringing - too cool.
3. There's a "mute" button, so you can put the person on "hold"
4. There's a way to set your status icon so that it shows that you are "chatting" to other people on your buddy list.
5. It really is free, it really IS.

When Brian got too boring (or, he really just had to go do something), I went on to my next victim and equally nerdy friend, Olatunji (aka Sexy Daddy)! Well, even though Tunji was in a meeting at work, I informed him that he had to download Google Talk and call me. To which we found out another great feature - his laptop has a built in mic, so he didn't have to go searching for one like I did (yeah, I know this has nothing to do with Google Talk, but it's still cool). Thank goodness he was on his headphones, as I was so excited to be using Google Talk that I proceeded to seduce him with my super sexy, is-she-Latina-is-she-Black-the-Bronx-meets-P.R., phone voice (a friend of mine once told me I could make it as a phone sex operator - if things keep going the way they are, I just might work that out). We finally had to go when Tunji was getting ready to leave work.

Yet, through it all, what does GoogleTalk really mean for me? Well, it means that I can live in South Africa for a year, and still talk to my friends and family, for FREE! This is very neat, because it's convienent, eliminates annoying calling cards, complicated international dialing bullshit, and of course, it's free. So, if you want to keep in touch and maybe say hi to me sometime, get Google Talk(if any Google personnel happen to come upon my blog, I'm available to do some sponsored ads and whatnot, for a nominal fee)! You need a gmail account to use Google Talk, however you can easily send one to yourself through your cellphone, or email me and I'll send you one. I have about 100 invites. Once you get on Google Talk, add me as a friend.

Which leads me to my main point: what does Google Talk mean for you? Well, if you try it out and give me a holler, maybe I'll provide some stimulating entertainment for the evening. It's worth a shot, right?

Wake up, Mr. West!

Many times, I'll find myself going to the web for a specific purpose, and spending about 20 minutes browsing around from link to link. I can't stop myself. My productivity level is not very high, unless I force myself to focus. And, how often do I actually focus? Not that often. So, instead of doing what I needed to do this Sunday afternoon, I found myself on AOL Black Voices, checking out some great interviews with Kanye West. While promoting his latest album, Late Registration, Kanye reveals why he is one of the most prolific entertainers
addressing issues of race and class, today. In these brief interviews he talks about winning a Stella Award for "Jesus Walks", performing at Live 8 and changing the name of his song"Diamonds are Forever" to "Diamonds from Sierra Leone".

I say the interviews are great because Kanye appears very sincere as he highlights much of the controversial issues of his album and responds to the critiques he's received about his outrageous personality. He says that the media expects everyone to adhere to two oppossite sides of a spectrum, to be either shy or loud; Kanye labels this a gray section. He responds,

"But only dogs see in black and white and gray, we're human beings, we see
incolor. So since this is color, I decided to be bright red."

On a political vibe, in Late Registration Kanye calls out the presidents of past and present's treatment of Black people. Touching on issues of poverty, AIDs, drugs in our communities, and overt government projects designed to maim Black achievements, Late Registration serves as an eloquent fusion of political criticism and musical talent. With lines such as, "And I know the goverment administered AIDS" in "Heard 'Em Say", and "How they stop the Black panthers?/ Ronald Reagan cooked up an answer" in "Crack Music", one almost gets the feeling that the fragile roots of hip hop's inception might still be alive. Is it possible that have room for artists who use rap as a means of expressing the need for progressive change and sharp world analyses? Prematurely, I was ready to give Kanye kudos for standing by his beliefs and choosing to speak about himself in a way that is very different from many rappers of this time.

But, the reality is that actions speak louder the words, and Kanye's heartfelt pleas for more support of Black empowerment, coupled with his fervent critiques of our political leaders, resonate as self-righteous bullshit as I watch him continue to reify reductive notions of gender, Black women's sexuality, and povery in third world nations. For example, Kanye's video for "Gold Digger" left me confused with its constant sexual imageries. Where's the new perspective?, I thought. Looks like the same old videos that Ludacris and Nelly put out. "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" seemed promising in its frank commentary of the relationship between the diamond and drugs trade: "Over there/they die from what we buy from drugs", that is until Kanye informs us that he won't be giving his diamonds back, that'd be like asking him to give up the game. Excuse me?!? Didn't we just establish that our entertainment comes at the price of our kinfolk's death? Am I the ridiculous one for expecting Kanye to accompany his very intelligent song with a inspirational stance that would emphasize the seriousness of the horrific rape of Black Africans for this superfluous, materialistic gem?

Well, with the lack of discussion surrounding Kanye's hypocritical actions, it would appear that we've reached that plateau of consciousness in hip hop, where artists are revered for publicly pointing out a problem, while they simultaneously plan to party it up at the album premiere the same night.

Point blank, I'm tired of psuedo-conscious rappers. They're annoying. Don't give me a great beat, powerful words, and then follow it up with actions that directly contradict your messages. If that's your M.O., just align forces with Bush rather than critique him. What is Kanye doing to encourage Black youth to forgo diamonds for education, or support Black women instead of demeaning them? I've yet to see that video.

Back to Blogger

I've realized that I need a blog up here for my personal musings. And something else for the more "professional" part of what I do. So I'm splitting up my blogs rather than have them together. It's just the way I want to work. So we'll get back to some personal posts, cuz I plan to become more revealing and less....well, less...censored. Stay tuned.